The Quiet Rebuild

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This post was first seen on my blog Wanted Chosen Planned as it relates to the rebuilding of my life after the loss of my son Zachary. I featured it there to encourage those who have lost a child to experiment with art (of all kinds: painting, photography, journal writing, etc.) as a means to find healing. I re-post it here as my hope for this blog is to bolster the weary creative spirit within us and to turn our frustration, fear, and failure into the artwork and creative writing that we were born to bring forth. 

“The Quiet Rebuild” © Alexis Marie Chute, Wood Sculpture 2012

I have been making sculpture although I am not primarily a sculptural artist. I find the use of my hands in the tactile nature of my recent artwork very soothing. My art has been focusing on the idea that we create our understanding of the world in many ways. When my son Zachary died, my world crashed down. Like a forest burn by fire, I was brought to ash, literally. It is fitting that my artwork uses wood, both natural and manmade. I find this particular piece, “Quiet Rebuild” particularly therapeutic to look at. It reminds me of where I am at, rebuilding my life in a different time, a simpler, basic time where my expectations of the world have been brought into check.

I rebuild my life and my understanding of the world from the burnt forest, atop a humble piece of wood. What I make of my life at this stage is truly of my own invention and each fragment of my understanding of the world comes together in an awkward balance but feels right in the face of everything I have endured.

Art is a personal and unique expression. It may not bring you the answers you search for but it can help you understand the questions you are asking. I encourage you to experiment, play and create like a child. Healing often does not arrive in the way we expect.

“The Quiet Rebuild” – When death comes and takes, it changes us who live. When we see this life as it is, the impermanence of all we hold dear and yet our ability to continue on, to love and value what truly matters, then we rebuild our soul with these lessons, changed yet whole.

Olympic Inspirations, Nathan Gafuik’s Return to the High Bar

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I love watching gymnastics and the athletes at the Olympics are such a treat. Luckily I turned on the coverage of the men’s qualifications just in time to cheer for Canada’s Nathan Gafuik on the high bar. During his routine I held my breath as he fell from the bar in a particularly stunning component. As Gafuik composed himself, the commentators report that this fall has knocked him out of the qualifications, ending his 2012 Olympic run. I expected Gafuik to return to the bench, but to my surprise he instead remounted and finished his routine.

I am sure this is standard practice, but I felt encouraged to see this display of sportsmanship. It is easy in life to get knocked down, lose our footing, take a hard fall – the challenging part is getting back up. If I were in Nathan Gafuik’s place, being the emotional person that I am, I probably would have started crying and the last thing I would want to do is go back onto the high bar to finish.

People will remember the fall, but also the class and professionalism that Gafuik brings to his sport. I believe that returning to the high bar after a devastating fall is a psychological accomplishment for the athlete. They immediately ‘get back on the horse’ so to speak; they are forced to confront fear and embarrassment to complete their routine. In the end I am sure this makes all the difference for their career whether they realize it or not.

I often feel like a fallen artist. Applications come back with stale rejections; the work I pour my heart into seems doomed for my admiration only. When I compare my chosen career to my husband’s more conventional job, I feel frustrated at the difficulty for a young artist to break into the art scene and the continual need to prove yourself over and over again. Most professions do not require such exhausting self promotion.

Despite this maddening aspect of my chosen profession, I feel encouraged by the sportsmanship of the Olympic athletes. They fall, but pull themselves up at once and finish. It is not how many times you fall or how hard but how you finish that counts.

My wise mother often reminds me, “It’s easy to assume that great artists simply fall into a lucky break, but they would probably tell you otherwise. We don’t get to see all the years of labor, tears and mounds of rejection letters that brought them to the level that they have achieved.”

Never give up. Let’s psychologically strengthen ourselves as creative individuals, immediately pull ourselves back up onto the high bar, back into our passions and return to our routine as if our art depends on it. And it does.

Never Give Up

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The saying goes:

“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.” – Anonymous

My version, and you can quote me on this:

“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try, try, try, try again a thousand times. If then, you still have not succeeded, try again a thousand times more.” – Alexis. Marie Chute

Never Give Up

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The saying goes:

“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.” – Anonymous

My version, and you can quote me on this:

“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try, try, try, try again a thousand times. If then, you still have not succeeded, try again a thousand times more.” – Alexis. Marie Chute

Empowering Belief

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In preparing for my MFA application, I sought out references to write letters on my behalf. I was having a morning of self doubt a few days ago and wondered if I should even put the energy into applying. That afternoon I met with one of my professors of creative writing from my BFA days.

I hadn’t seen my professor in over six years but she said she remembered me and agreed to chat over coffee where she ended up holding my two week old son, rocking him to sleep.

She gave valuable advice and insight and the encouragement I needed to believe in myself. Before parting, she said, “I support you in this” and agreed to write me a reference letter.

Belief. Having people in my life that believe in me makes all the difference – especially on days where it seems difficult to believe in myself.

When someone believes in you, self confidence can flourish and anything seems possible. Having a strong support system, a mentor, a source for encouragement is needed on the artist journey. The people who fill these roles in my life are my treasures (thank you!).

I feel empowered to follow my dreams and also be this same positive force in the lives of others. Choosing to believe in someone is free but can be the greatest gift you ever give.